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renegade_amok

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wow... [19 Feb 2017|02:30pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

... ain't been here in... well, too long.

Yeah, I remembered this was here. Even had the notion a few times to come back and post an entry; just never got to it.

I'm still drawing for catharsis. I still find that I speak best through images and metaphors, especially when the two intersect. Even if it's a picture that others can't quite seem to grasp the entire meaning of. I'll have to post a few here, maybe.

I'm finally doing something "just for fun" - playing guitar. Well, to be more exact, learning how to. Lessons are going pretty good. Two weeks ago, my teacher assigned us "Sweet Home Alabama"; last week, after confirming that I had practiced (and mostly figured it out), he asked me to play it. For barely a split second, I mentally lamented having to go first, as I was most likely going to fuck it up, get flustered, and not be able to finish. I took a deep breath, and to my amazement, started playing. Yeah, I was a shade nervous so I had to take the chording slow, and there were a few notes that I missed somewhere in there. But overall, he said I did pretty good. Then I surprised myself again and was actually able to take his criticisms constructively instead of personally, like I had done with other music teachers in the past.

So I'd say it's a great thing for me. I'm finally doing something that, for many years, thought I couldn't do on my own. I had thought that if I dated a guitarist, he'd teach me, which in my mind would've been a somewhat-romantic thing (close contact, our hands touching, me getting shy and flirty while he's all smart and confident). Then I did, and, well... previous posts have documented how hideously that ended. I had dropped a hint several times that I wished I could play, and his responses were usually something along the lines of "oh, you should just do it". No romance, no "hey, I'll show you a few things". No close bonding.

Late last summer, I woke up one morning and for the first time in almost 20 years, felt light. I was actually smiling without feeling like I was obligated to. As I lay in bed relishing the feeling, I heard what sounded like an occasional ticking noise. When I investigated, I found that a necklace my ex had made me had broken and the beads were falling on the floor. Without giving it much thought, I picked it up (with some of the beads), tied it off, and put it on my nightstand.

I went about my day, trying not to reveal my lightened attitude to others lest they ruin it. And as I did so, I started thinking about the odd coincidence - me feeling lighter, the necklace breaking. Then it crept up on me like a new dawn - I was free. He wasn't weighing me down. The rusted chain he'd had around my heart and soul was gone, replaced by a shining from within. And I laughed just for the joy of it.

A few weeks later, I signed up for a drawing course through community education. I'd seen it offered in the local booklet/flyer before, and had dismissed it because I either was working, trying to save money, or didn't think it'd be my kind of style. But this time was different. I realized that even if it wasn't my preferred style, I could still take the things I learned and apply them to mine in order to improve. I had been saving money to build my own bed and had enough left over to spend on non-essential things. And class went remarkably well - I was challenged enough to keep me focused, but not so intensively that I'd fall apart at the slightest provocation. My parents were pleased with the progress I was making; my Dad even seemed a little surprised that I could draw so well.

So when the next session came around, after finding that there wasn't a next-level drawing class, I signed up for beginner guitar and music theory. Unfortunately, I was the only one registered for music theory so it was canceled. But my guitar teacher teaches it, so when I asked him about it he recommended that I sign up for it next session. It'll be on Mondays, so I shouldn't have a conflict with work.

So that's that. Life's gotten more positive for me, for the time being. And it feels like it's going to stay that way; but I'll still be prepared for a turn of events.

Thanks a thousand times over, Janice. I know this is probably mostly your doing, and it feels amazing.
I miss you.

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Oh, holy... [21 Oct 2012|03:58am]
[ mood | tired ]

... flying bananas.
I actually remembered this username and password.

I'm actually glad I remembered this was around. I need someplace to vent again.

Unfortunately I have to go to bed ATM. Work in the morning. But I can arts at work, so no all bad.

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'Nother update [12 Dec 2011|05:59pm]
[ music | Hail the villain - Take Back the Fear ]

Man, I really suck at this keeping updated business..

Posting this from my ipod cause my laptop screen is fucked up.

Oh, and my ex is set to marry the girl he left me for. Next October. They've moved out of their apartment and into a house. I have yet to get an updated address.

The time is ripe for a revamp of Operation Take Back The Fear. It'll be a long, hard road and I know I'll be needing help - of all kinds - but I also know that I'll be quite satisfied with the results.

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Just a little diddy [13 Apr 2010|02:49pm]
[ mood | pessimistic ]

Just a little something that I started last week. A tidbit of song formed in my head and I went with it. Unfortunately, don't think it'll ever be finished.


I had questions, but you didn't have answers
So I filled in the blanks once again.
Bet you never expected this twist now,
I don't want this to be how the story will end;
But I feel like I don't have a choice,
When the truth isn't in your voice

Give me the truth, don't tell me lies
I'm not blind, I can see the look in her eyes;
Is she your lover? She's more than a friend
All your shit's gotta come to an end

Give me the truth, don't tell me lies
Good intentions serve no disguise;
Face the facts, you just wanted some tail
That would be there each night without fail

I had questions, but you didn't have answers
So I filled in the blanks once again.


On the upside, found my grandmother's watch. The band broke and she gave it to me two weeks ago to have fixed; I knew it was in my room, but thought I had checked all my jeans pockets. Went looking for the paper I wrote that song on and found her watch in the process. Now off to get dressed and run it to the watch guy.

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Just some lyrics... (part 1) [27 Mar 2010|01:20pm]
[ mood | Riteous ]
[ music | Crossfade ]

Just some Crossfade lyrics I had in my head the other day when writing an email to my anti-friend. Fits our situation kinda well, actually.

"No more holding it in, how many years can I pretend?
When nothing ever goes the way it should
No more sitting in this place, hoping you might see it my way
'Cause I don't think you ever understood
That what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away

I'm so far away
I've been changing, but you'll never see me now
I'm so far away
Now I'm blaming you for everything

No more waiting for the end of every day that I will spend
Wishing that I only had a choice
No more pushing you away, 'cause I'll be busy watching things go my way
Never looking back on this anymore
'Cause what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away"

~ So Far Away

Fits our situation because it was his choice, he suddenly out of the blue decided to quit. For a while, I was thinking that it was my fault, that there was something I should've done better and I drove him away because I was being myself the last time we were together. But now I've realized, now that I'm seeing his true colors, that I wouldn't have been completely happy in the end. There were many things about him that I accepted at the time as just being minor annoyances, that in retrospect I'm seeing would never have changed, no matter how many talks I might have had with him about respect. For example, his brother's getting married. My anti-friend says "they're doing the civil ceremony, then the fake traditional wedding". Really?!? Just because you're not baptized doesn't mean you get to disrespect religious ceremonies. The civil ceremony is the one that's fake, IMHO. You stand in front of a judge, who doesn't know you. The traditional ceremony is witnessed by the church, friends and family. They know you, and they'll make sure (well, they should make sure) that you respect your marriage.

And I still have unanswered questions about things he's doing now. But after having to fill in the blanks myself of the questions I had about our breakup, I'm thinking that I'll be filling in the blanks myself again for these new questions. I'm seeing now that I do have a choice - the choice to walk away, to quit listening to his BS. So I've been focusing more on myself and the things I need to do to make things better in my life, and kinda pushing him into a corner. I guess you could say that unless there's a major change, I realize that there's an undercurrent of BS in everything he's been telling me, and I don't expect him to let the truth out anytime soon. If he even does at all.


To be continued... I've got to take a shower. Party at my cousin's house in 2 hours.

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today [03 Mar 2010|10:08pm]
Felt pretty good today. Dunno know why.

Went to Tops to shop for Mom today. Managed to get everything, which was pretty awesome. Got home and Ma said I got the wrong size pop. Fuk. When you have "Pepsi 3 for $10" on the list, I'm assuming you want the size that's 10 bucks for 3... and you want 3. Not the size that's 3 for 11, and 1 of them. Too bad, deal with it. They'll get drunk.

And now my sis is filling out a job application and is asking me what info she should put in the blanks. No, I haven't applied there. No, I don't even work in that industry. If you need to find something out, you have a computer. You can go look it up yourself. I don't care if you've got ice on your knee - you went out and played volleyball, and you overdid it. You know you had surgery on your knee. It's your decision to mess it up and not take it easy.

Guh. Watching SVU.
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feeling like... [05 Feb 2010|07:17pm]
[ mood | dirty ]
[ music | random songs from CDs ripping ]

I'm not sure how to feel.

So I'm sitting here online today, dawdling while my CDs transfer (which is another long frustrating story) to my little memory slice. I decide hey, I haven't checked my creeper account on FB. Yes, I have a creeper account. I created it when I had to keep track of one of my ex's old flames. Paranoid? Yes. But it gave me a further understanding of how much effect he had on her. Not to mention I can see her trashy photos. Okay, so maybe that was the main reason - apparently she thinks her huge funbags are her greatest asset and doesn't hesitate to show them off.
So anyway, I go check her page. Then I figure well hey, let's go see if my ex has a new photo up yet. The two of them are still FB friends, so I go check right from her page. Nope, no new photo.

So then I decide to log on to my account. I do the random things I usually do. Superpoke pets, random comments on status messages, etc. Then I decide to go check my ex's wall posts - since I'm still 'friends' with one of his friends, I can see his wall (thanks to the "friends of friends" privacy setting). So I go... doo de doo... peek at his new GF's photo, no change there... back to my ex's page... and oh, what's that? He's now 'friended' two more of his old flames? Hmmm... sounds fishy... Did I get a friend request from him? No. Nothing.

Granted, we are 'friends' on MySpace. Although, at one point in time (when he was dating the recipient of my creepage) he did remark "It's just myspace" (when I made a big stink about the content of other flames' comments).

So, I don't know what to think. Yes, we still have brief contact with eachother through MySpace. I had thought at one point that he was using MySpace for mainly band-related connections and was using FB for more personal, local connections. But he's 'friended' his flames that live here in the states on FB. So my thinking goes out the window. He's also quit emailling me directly. You'd think that people who are friends could at least send direct emails to eachother, rather than having to rely on another site's (MySpace) messaging capabilities.

So this makes me wonder how much value he puts on his friendships. In particular, the one he has with me. It's obvious that he still wants to be friends with those other girls (for some reason), because he remained in close contact with them while we were dating and I was going paranoid about it. I'm not one to limit another's freedoms, so I didn't tell him to quit talking to them. I would've appreciated it, but I didn't demand it.

yeah.

My questions for him:
1.) Why is it that you stopped emailing me directly? Does Sarah (new girlfriend) check your emails?
2.) Why is it that you felt you had to lie to me about your relationship with Sarah? In particular, why did you recently tell me that she's "a friend from therapy that I moved in with" when you've got your "in a relationship with" status clearly visible to people on FB? Do you really think that little of your relationship with her, or do you think I'm blind?
3.) Why is it okay for you to 'friend' Danielle, Jen, Lynsey, and Morgan, but not me? When we were together you said that I didn't need to be paranoid, your connection with me was much stronger than it was with them. Does your therapist still make your decisions for you?

I'm going to wait a few days to see if he 'friends' me on FB. Hopefully I'll get a reply to our ongoing MySpace-mail conversation by then. Then I can ask him my questions. I feel that I deserve to know the answers to at least those 3, seeing as it'll be one year since we broke up soon.

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musings [02 Feb 2010|01:09pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | Shinedown - "Sound of Madness" ]

Haha, so much for having this be a daily thing.

So last night I'm up late. I watch 2 episodes of Intervention on tv. The first one was about that asian chick from star trek - apparently she's addicted to fentanyl lollipops. She says things like "Don't put that on the table, what if I need it? You know I can't make left turns." She claims that her parents posess an energy that causes her great pain, and claims her life is in danger because of it when they're around. She says she's in so much pain; yet she can run away from people when they try to help her. IDK. Whatevs.

The second one was about Huffing inhalants. They're going on with the stories of people who have died and how sudden it all seemed... and yeah, it sucks. But the whole time I'm sitting there thinking that I could be one of them. I've got every reason to grab a bottle of booze, grab a handful of pills (my mom wants to hang on to pills that have expired for some reason - "because someone else could use them" - so of course we have a nice variety) or get myself kicked out of the house and go live on the streets. Yes, there's days when life on the streets would be way better than being here. I could so easily pick up a habit and use it to keep my troubles at bay; at times I think they'd actually like me better if I did.

But I don't. Why? Because I'm better than that.

I know that if I decided to become a drunk, I could blame it for all kinds of bad behavior. I'd get into fights, wreck people's stuff, embrace my halucinations. I could track down anyone who had ever done me wrong and go off on a drunken tirade about how shitty they were to me. I could beat the crap out of my dad at the slightest provocation. I could go sit outside a certain persons house at night, occasionally lighting a bag of shit on fire and tossing it at their porch. I could go to California and confront my uncle, and basically tell him that he's exiled from the family. I could tell him that if he or that certain other person ever set foot at my grandmother's house again, I'd literally ram his car out of the driveway with my truck. I'd make him pay to fix my truck of course, pleading temporary insanity due to extreme emotional distress. I'd be mean, stubborn, ornery... and I'd be drinking the hard stuff. After all, I believe in doing things full on. None of that half-assed stuff for me.

I know that from my medical knowledge, I could calculate a dose of pills that would put me out of commission for weeks. I know too much for my own good sometimes. Who knows why my mom thinks it's ok to let my sister take some pills that I had left over from an old prescription. I decided one night to clean out the cabinet downstairs because the vitamin/pill shelf was getting overcrowded. All I wanted was some Motrin cause I had cramps. So I go through the bottles on the one shelf, and pull out one prescription of my dad's that's a little old. No Motrin there, so I decide to go check the box we keep in another cabinet. Blamo, old prescriptions galore. So I pull them out and put them on the counter, with a note saying that I cleaned out the cabinets and people should decide if it's really still necessary to keep the old pills. Well... did I ever catch hell. Both my one sis and my mom went off on me, going on about how my sis has problems with her knee so she needs the pills with codiene and my dad's old ibuprofen... My point being that if she's in so much pain from her knee, either take her back to the doctor for it or get her a prescription of her own so that people know what she's taking. At least then she'll get the right dose and she won't occasionally get sick from mixing it with her other medications.

*sigh* I'm starting to run out of steam here...

So then after Intervention comes Hoarders. A show that deals with folks who have severe hoarding habits (obviously) that usually threaten their health and living situation. My mom and sisters often joke that they should put me on that show. Well, when you have enough things to fill up a house in your tiny room, of course people are going to think you're a hoarder. If you'd fuckin' loosen up and let me put some shit around the house (and have it be safe where I put it) it would look normal. Or even just give me the larger bedroom. Take Al's shit out of it; god knows why we still have it. Take her bed down - she doesn't sleep here anymore. Get her dresser out of the room - the only thing it's used for is hiding Laura's booze. Take all her scrapbooks, yearbooks, and clothes over to her house and let her deal with them. SHE DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE. Have all her mail sent to her new address. Hey, then that would give you enough room on that bookshelf downstairs to put Laura's books; and you wouldn't have to take my mailbox out of there. I could actually be included in the family mailbox line.

*sigh*

And now I've fully run out of steam. My thoughts are now wandering to feeling like I should get out of these pajamas because I feel stale. I should probably get into my clothes for work so that I'm ready. Oh, and I'm kinda hungry. But of course, nothing good to eat downstairs.

Ah, such is my life.

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today [27 Jan 2010|02:15pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

So today, it's snowing like fuk. I get up at 7, wash and dry my hair (cause i was a smelly b*tch) and head out the door. The village idiot (my car)of course was covered in snow. Actually took the time to clean him off, which made me a little late. Because I'm a few minutes late, I get stuck in the a$$plug of traffic. So it takes me half an hour to get to where I'm going - normally 10 minutes away.


Along the way I got the genius idea to get a tarp from Valu (yes, it's spelled like that.)and use it to cover the cab of my truck when it's going to be snowing/icing. That way all I'll have to do is peel it off and shake it out, then probably toss it in the back.


Ugh. Stomach hurts right now. Probably because I had eggs for brunch. Heartburn like hell, and now bloat cause I ate a tums. I'm supposed to shovel... before people get home... but I think I'm either going to go lay down or go to the loo for a bit.


Alas, there is no video for House of Cards. *sigh* Was going to embed it...


EDIT: I must remind myself to not write in HTML codes when I use one of the symbols for a letter. Fixed it, but had to retype the whole first paragraph.

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summary [25 Jan 2010|09:25pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | STEMM! ]

So friday I desperately needed me some Stemm. So I go to Target. It no there. But me gets Sick Puppies and Seether instead. Like an Oxy junkie going for Heroin when they has no moneys.

Saturday I go to Best Buy and the other Target. They no has Stemm. I is pissed.

Sunday I go to work. I see Cat-cat and we talk. Pissface busts in and yells at me because I'm sitting down. Right away he goes to Deafcon 4 and threatens to fire me. Scares the piss out of me. It's no wonder I hate him. So now I know one of the up front guys has it out for me - Pissface wouldn't have bothered with me if he wasn't clued in. So once again, I will have to be paranoid at work.

I don't want to be paranoid at work. I get paranoid enough here at home. It's no wonder I have PTSD. I might look into seeing if that could constitute a disability for work. Either that, or the Aspergers or Epilepsy. One thing's sure, though - if Pisshead does get me fired, I'm going for unemployment from that bastard. Bossman likes me, he knows I'm not just some slacker. He knows I care when the machines work or don't work.

So today I go online to look for Stemm. It's backordered at Best Buy and at Target it's not available for in-store pickup. Then I remembers what moma says about Barnes et Nobles. Me go, check, and yes they has it. I reserves it, then go pick it up. And solid listen to it since.

*sigh*

Plz no work tomorow... plz make dome break... or has ebola all over. I no want to see Pissface again.

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ten minutes ago [22 Jan 2010|07:59pm]
[ mood | gonna beat some sh*t ]
[ music | Stemm - "House of Cards" ]

So tonight my mom was having a sales rep from Cutco come to sharpen our knives. Relatively harmless. Pop said he'd be home around 5:30, so we waited to have dinner. And waited. And waited.

Finally my mom had it and I helped make dinner for her and my sis - it was about 6:15 when we started. We finished about ten to seven, then the guy came.

My dad gets in at 7:30. TWO HOURS after he said he'd be here. In the meantime he had apparently found time to email my sis and I a youtube video of Hitler being mad about the new football coach. Seriously, dad? You're goofing off on youtube at work when you're supposed to be home? And do you not realize that I don't give a flying sh*t about the new coach and dislike all those "funny" videos about Hitler being mad at something? Seriously, they're offensive. Hitler's had his time in the spotlight. Now leave him alone. I may not be Jewish or directly know anybody who is, but I think these movies bringing him back up would be offensive to them.

Anyway... so Dad's making his dinner. Al calls, so I figure he'll talk to her for a minute or two and be done. Nope, I end up keeping an eye on his cooking dinner while he talks to her. Then she wants to talk to my mom - who's still talking with the Cutco guy. And my dad, being rude, passes the phone to my mom. *grrrr* So he finishes making his dinner. I come up here to get back on the computer. And a minute later, I hear him telling the Cutco guy off. With that whiny, demanding voice of all things. (seriously, I need to record that sh*t.) So not only am I pissed at him for being rude to the Cutco guy twice, I'm getting amped up from the sound of his voice.

*sigh* So rather than go steal his car and go to the store, or even better - start some sh*t with him - I log on and write this. Hoping that maybe someone will see it one day and at least somewhat know what's going through my head at this moment.

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current thoughts [22 Jan 2010|01:29pm]
[ mood | bitchy ]

I'm hungry. And kinda cold. I should probably go get dressed.
I have to go pick up a package for Dad. I should probably go get dressed so I can do that.
I should probably go get out of these pjs. Get dressed. BUT I must also take a shower first.

*sigh*

I'm hungry. But I have to take a shower. So I'mma go eat, that way I can actually say I've eaten something. Oh wait, I forgot - we don't have anything good to eat. Blunder.

-EDIT-
So shower won out. BUT I didn't account for the fact that apparently now I have to be the mom and wash my own towels. The ones I've got up there are pretty old. And of course, Mom doesn't even try to keep track of which towels are beat-up enough for me to use... so of course, everybody else uses them. Rather than the nice ones that pretty shower deserves. Seriously, what's a girl gotta do to get some respect around here?!?

So yeah. My beat-up towels have probably been used. And are now probably down in the wash pile. So I either steal the nice ones and shower, or wash mine and wait. I might do both. Dunno.

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First is the worst [22 Jan 2010|12:56pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

So this is my first post. Typical of many, I'm putting this here so that I can modify styles and see how it will look. So buzz off.

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