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renegade_amok's Journal

5th February, 2010. 7:17 pm. feeling like...

I'm not sure how to feel.

So I'm sitting here online today, dawdling while my CDs transfer (which is another long frustrating story) to my little memory slice. I decide hey, I haven't checked my creeper account on FB. Yes, I have a creeper account. I created it when I had to keep track of one of my ex's old flames. Paranoid? Yes. But it gave me a further understanding of how much effect he had on her. Not to mention I can see her trashy photos. Okay, so maybe that was the main reason - apparently she thinks her huge funbags are her greatest asset and doesn't hesitate to show them off.
So anyway, I go check her page. Then I figure well hey, let's go see if my ex has a new photo up yet. The two of them are still FB friends, so I go check right from her page. Nope, no new photo.

So then I decide to log on to my account. I do the random things I usually do. Superpoke pets, random comments on status messages, etc. Then I decide to go check my ex's wall posts - since I'm still 'friends' with one of his friends, I can see his wall (thanks to the "friends of friends" privacy setting). So I go... doo de doo... peek at his new GF's photo, no change there... back to my ex's page... and oh, what's that? He's now 'friended' two more of his old flames? Hmmm... sounds fishy... Did I get a friend request from him? No. Nothing.

Granted, we are 'friends' on MySpace. Although, at one point in time (when he was dating the recipient of my creepage) he did remark "It's just myspace" (when I made a big stink about the content of other flames' comments).

So, I don't know what to think. Yes, we still have brief contact with eachother through MySpace. I had thought at one point that he was using MySpace for mainly band-related connections and was using FB for more personal, local connections. But he's 'friended' his flames that live here in the states on FB. So my thinking goes out the window. He's also quit emailling me directly. You'd think that people who are friends could at least send direct emails to eachother, rather than having to rely on another site's (MySpace) messaging capabilities.

So this makes me wonder how much value he puts on his friendships. In particular, the one he has with me. It's obvious that he still wants to be friends with those other girls (for some reason), because he remained in close contact with them while we were dating and I was going paranoid about it. I'm not one to limit another's freedoms, so I didn't tell him to quit talking to them. I would've appreciated it, but I didn't demand it.


My questions for him:
1.) Why is it that you stopped emailing me directly? Does Sarah (new girlfriend) check your emails?
2.) Why is it that you felt you had to lie to me about your relationship with Sarah? In particular, why did you recently tell me that she's "a friend from therapy that I moved in with" when you've got your "in a relationship with" status clearly visible to people on FB? Do you really think that little of your relationship with her, or do you think I'm blind?
3.) Why is it okay for you to 'friend' Danielle, Jen, Lynsey, and Morgan, but not me? When we were together you said that I didn't need to be paranoid, your connection with me was much stronger than it was with them. Does your therapist still make your decisions for you?

I'm going to wait a few days to see if he 'friends' me on FB. Hopefully I'll get a reply to our ongoing MySpace-mail conversation by then. Then I can ask him my questions. I feel that I deserve to know the answers to at least those 3, seeing as it'll be one year since we broke up soon.

Current mood: dirty.
Current music: random songs from CDs ripping.

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