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Just some Crossfade lyrics I had in my head the other day when writing an email to my anti-friend. Fits our situation kinda well, actually.
"No more holding it in, how many years can I pretend?
When nothing ever goes the way it should
No more sitting in this place, hoping you might see it my way
'Cause I don't think you ever understood
That what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away
I'm so far away
I've been changing, but you'll never see me now
I'm so far away
Now I'm blaming you for everything
No more waiting for the end of every day that I will spend
Wishing that I only had a choice
No more pushing you away, 'cause I'll be busy watching things go my way
Never looking back on this anymore
'Cause what I'm looking for are the answers
To why these questions never go away"
~ So Far Away
Fits our situation because it was his choice, he suddenly out of the blue decided to quit. For a while, I was thinking that it was my fault, that there was something I should've done better and I drove him away because I was being myself the last time we were together. But now I've realized, now that I'm seeing his true colors, that I wouldn't have been completely happy in the end. There were many things about him that I accepted at the time as just being minor annoyances, that in retrospect I'm seeing would never have changed, no matter how many talks I might have had with him about respect. For example, his brother's getting married. My anti-friend says "they're doing the civil ceremony, then the fake traditional wedding". Really?!? Just because you're not baptized doesn't mean you get to disrespect religious ceremonies. The civil ceremony is the one that's fake, IMHO. You stand in front of a judge, who doesn't know you. The traditional ceremony is witnessed by the church, friends and family. They know you, and they'll make sure (well, they should make sure) that you respect your marriage.
And I still have unanswered questions about things he's doing now. But after having to fill in the blanks myself of the questions I had about our breakup, I'm thinking that I'll be filling in the blanks myself again for these new questions. I'm seeing now that I do have a choice - the choice to walk away, to quit listening to his BS. So I've been focusing more on myself and the things I need to do to make things better in my life, and kinda pushing him into a corner. I guess you could say that unless there's a major change, I realize that there's an undercurrent of BS in everything he's been telling me, and I don't expect him to let the truth out anytime soon. If he even does at all.
To be continued... I've got to take a shower. Party at my cousin's house in 2 hours.
Current mood: Riteous.
Current music: Crossfade .