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renegade_amok's Journal

19th February, 2017. 2:30 pm. wow...

... ain't been here in... well, too long.

Yeah, I remembered this was here. Even had the notion a few times to come back and post an entry; just never got to it.

I'm still drawing for catharsis. I still find that I speak best through images and metaphors, especially when the two intersect. Even if it's a picture that others can't quite seem to grasp the entire meaning of. I'll have to post a few here, maybe.

I'm finally doing something "just for fun" - playing guitar. Well, to be more exact, learning how to. Lessons are going pretty good. Two weeks ago, my teacher assigned us "Sweet Home Alabama"; last week, after confirming that I had practiced (and mostly figured it out), he asked me to play it. For barely a split second, I mentally lamented having to go first, as I was most likely going to fuck it up, get flustered, and not be able to finish. I took a deep breath, and to my amazement, started playing. Yeah, I was a shade nervous so I had to take the chording slow, and there were a few notes that I missed somewhere in there. But overall, he said I did pretty good. Then I surprised myself again and was actually able to take his criticisms constructively instead of personally, like I had done with other music teachers in the past.

So I'd say it's a great thing for me. I'm finally doing something that, for many years, thought I couldn't do on my own. I had thought that if I dated a guitarist, he'd teach me, which in my mind would've been a somewhat-romantic thing (close contact, our hands touching, me getting shy and flirty while he's all smart and confident). Then I did, and, well... previous posts have documented how hideously that ended. I had dropped a hint several times that I wished I could play, and his responses were usually something along the lines of "oh, you should just do it". No romance, no "hey, I'll show you a few things". No close bonding.

Late last summer, I woke up one morning and for the first time in almost 20 years, felt light. I was actually smiling without feeling like I was obligated to. As I lay in bed relishing the feeling, I heard what sounded like an occasional ticking noise. When I investigated, I found that a necklace my ex had made me had broken and the beads were falling on the floor. Without giving it much thought, I picked it up (with some of the beads), tied it off, and put it on my nightstand.

I went about my day, trying not to reveal my lightened attitude to others lest they ruin it. And as I did so, I started thinking about the odd coincidence - me feeling lighter, the necklace breaking. Then it crept up on me like a new dawn - I was free. He wasn't weighing me down. The rusted chain he'd had around my heart and soul was gone, replaced by a shining from within. And I laughed just for the joy of it.

A few weeks later, I signed up for a drawing course through community education. I'd seen it offered in the local booklet/flyer before, and had dismissed it because I either was working, trying to save money, or didn't think it'd be my kind of style. But this time was different. I realized that even if it wasn't my preferred style, I could still take the things I learned and apply them to mine in order to improve. I had been saving money to build my own bed and had enough left over to spend on non-essential things. And class went remarkably well - I was challenged enough to keep me focused, but not so intensively that I'd fall apart at the slightest provocation. My parents were pleased with the progress I was making; my Dad even seemed a little surprised that I could draw so well.

So when the next session came around, after finding that there wasn't a next-level drawing class, I signed up for beginner guitar and music theory. Unfortunately, I was the only one registered for music theory so it was canceled. But my guitar teacher teaches it, so when I asked him about it he recommended that I sign up for it next session. It'll be on Mondays, so I shouldn't have a conflict with work.

So that's that. Life's gotten more positive for me, for the time being. And it feels like it's going to stay that way; but I'll still be prepared for a turn of events.

Thanks a thousand times over, Janice. I know this is probably mostly your doing, and it feels amazing.
I miss you.

Current mood: hopeful.

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